My inner awesome needs to come back now

Alright. It's been ages since I've posted here, largely because I've been on the road for six weeks and I've had more important things to do than let off personal rants. But starting today I have time off, so I'll rant and then I'll fix things, because that's what I need to do.

This whole year, I feel like I've been screwing up. I lost my job in Morocco. That was the economy, rather than me, but it started everything else. I got job offers with branches of my company in the US and in Russia. I unintentionally caused loads of confusion between the two because neither knew I was being recruited by the other and the US branch changed every piece of contact info I had for them right before I needed to get in touch and say I'd chosen Russia. My first trip through Russia, Mongolia, and China was rocky, and I just got some rather nasty feedbacks and a politely worded letter from my new boss saying that my next set of feedbacks should be significantly better or else. One of my bags was stolen on my latest trans-Siberian train ride. The IRS claims that I owe them money because they don't believe that I was legitimately working in a foreign country for most of last year. This is all in addition to personal shit. I'm wondering where the hell I went off track.

Time was, it was a given that I did everything and did everything well. When and where did that change? When did my competent, good-at-everything self turn into this person who keeps failing?

Part of the problem is that I try to be everything to everyone. I'm a natural introvert, and in many ways it's good for me to force myself to be normal and social, as I need to do in this job. But I seem to have mislaid an essential piece of myself in the process, and I need to get it back. First step is to get myself a new journal and pen. I haven't really written longhand in ages. I think I need to start doing it again. Second step is to meditate. I used to do it every day. Life worked better when I did. Third step is to figure out, well and truly, what it is I want out of life and how it is I need to get there. My current job is a stepping-stone, but it's not the place I really need to be. I'll finish out this tourist season, and I'll do it well even if only to prove a point. But then I need to move on.

I've started looking at grad schools, but only vaguely. I need to look more seriously now. I think I've finally settled on international development as the field I want to work in. I was thinking about fair trade before, but I think that development will give me broader scope. And having a more definite direction will be good for me. Two and a half years of constant travel should be enough to tide me over for a while. And when I travel next, it will be for my own self and my own projects. The service industry is no longer a place I want to be.

So that's the long-term plan. In the meantime, I need to learn everything about Russia that I didn't learn before, grovel to my boss, get a police report, and call the IRS. Because things may be screwed up, but it's in my power to fix them. And so I shall.